GUILTY…… not by choice
Once long ago, my grand father, who was a very soft, kind hearted and sweet person. Advised me and asked me to remember one thing. ‘what ever you do in life, remember one thing, never hurt any one. Do not be a source of pain and discomfort for a living soul’
I still remember his kind voice and his words. I kept them close to my heart and tried all these years to be helpful and kind to everyone.
I firmly believe that ‘words and tone’ one uses can either make a relation or break a bond. I always try to be a source of comfort for atleast those who are near and dear.
If I look back, I can see myself being used, absued and targetted many times by friends and family. But I am happy even if I was a reason of discomfort, I changed or adjusted myself to the situation. I donot want to end and depart with a heavy heart.
But…….. now it seems a dream far fetched. I have a burden and I am a reason of pain for my dear ones. I am stuck in between, where I am the reason of discomfort. The guilt, shame and its pain uninvitedly haunts me. Kills me with in. I believe Allah always has some secrets and He always has a master plan. But I wonder if in that master plan I will end up with guilt or He will bring back me, my honor and dignity.
Despite all the negativities, darkness, pain, loss of hopes and discomforts. I have always entrusted in His Kindness and his Powers.
I am forgetting how to laugh, my laughters and smiles are empty (I know it), my discomforts and uneasiness is within, I shed my tears secretly, I look at the skies for a ray of light and blessings un noticed. I am trying to keep my soul alive, which is drying and dying gradually. I am fine and I am good is the mask I have mastered on my face.
But am I fine???? With the guilt I have? I never wanted to hurt, I never wanted …….. this…….
I cannot forget and I cannot forgive myself.
All I can say is O’Lord help me. I am not sorry as sorry cannot undo whats done. Yes one thing for sure, I will not forgive myself and will keep on reminding myself so that I live in pain, shame and discomfort.